If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
- Galatians 5:15

As church guys, we hear this question all of the time: what if the other person refuses to stop engaging in healthy conflict with me? We might try to be healthy, but we don't live in a vacuum.

When you start to feel frustration that another person just won't let you move to a healthier conflict space, here are some things you can try, principles in line with Paul's admonition in this week's passage to "watch out."

First, take a moment to do some self-examination. We typically hate to do this. Once we've identified something obnoxious the other person has done or is doing, we tend to want to focus solely on their bad behavior. But there's something to be gained from self-examination. Ask yourself: "What, if anything, am I doing to contribute to this ongoing, unhealthy pattern of conflict?"

After you've taken a moment for self-examination, here are some things that we need to remember:

• We can't control other people. How they feel and how they behave is ultimately their choice. We can influence and encourage, but there are limits to what we can accomplish.
• Boundaries around engagement can be incredibly helpful. You don't have to answer every call or email. You don't have to listen to every conversation. You don't have to fight every fight.
• Tell the other person that you don't want to engage in these conversations. Communicate your boundaries clearly ("When you start shouting, I will hang up the phone." or "I'm willing to meet you to talk about it in a public place, but I don't want discuss this in front of our children."). And stick with those boundaries. New boundaries always get tested. Hold firm.

One last little bit of wisdom: Get help. Get help. Get help. One of the saddest things we see as pastors is when people wait until late in the game to get help. Conflicts grow and entrench themselves. Bringing in a trusted friend or advisor, a small group leader or a pastor, another set of eyes can make a huge difference, especially if they're brought in early.

Where do you need to do some self-examination, boundary-drawing and help-getting this week?