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No good tree bears bad fruit nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks (Luke 6:43-45).

Little kids seem to be born knowing how to disagree deeply. At least that was true of my brother and me. My mother, who grew up an only child, told me years later how much our disagreeing upset her.

Since he was two years older, my go-to weapon when we were little was to stick my tongue out at him. (Can anyone tell me how that was supposed to be effective?!) But soon enough I got the message that I was expected to be nice.

This message was reinforced everywhere I turned. Good little girls were nice. Disagreeing was not nice. Stop disagreeing. Be Nice.

On a trolley in Toronto a couple years ago the little boy sitting across from us wore a t-shirt proclaiming “Never Back Down.” Talk about a different message kids in his generation were getting from the message kids in mine got!

I am learning—still—that being “stalled in nice” leads to distancing oneself from others and short-circuits loving deeply. (“Never backing down” does, too!) That distance can be bridged, though, by—surprise! —disagreeing deeply. (Although not by sticking one’s tongue out in the process.)

The difficulty is that “nice” is good in lots of situations. Don’t we long for more “nice” in the world today? We don’t want to dismiss “nice” altogether. 

But if we lift the lid of our “nice” and find a stew of bad fruit like not caring, self-protection, lack of confidence, and fear, it’s time to let God take over.

God is a superb counselor. Since He has known us our whole lives, He knows how to get us to the root of the messages we mistakenly believe. He can counsel us during prayer, via trained counselors, in a conversation with caring friends, in infinite ways.

When God is at work, the changes usually happen subtlety, gradually. Then, at least in my experience, an opportunity will arise that we are prepared to enter with timid bravery. (No, that is not an oxymoron.) That is when we will begin to bridge the separation we created by being “stalled in nice” and cross into loving deeply.

Sit quietly with God and let Him surface a particular relationship that is not as close as you long for. 

Bring your humility with you as you ask Him to show you if you are “stalled in nice” (or in “never back down”) in that relationship.

Return to Him throughout the coming days for the insight into this He will have for you. Remember, our hope is that by disagreeing deeply, we will learn to love deeper still.