Go and be reconciled to them …

- from Matthew 5:24

How do we do this? How do we have a reconciliation conversation? Here are 5 tips that we’ve personally found helpful.

1) Clarifying intention doesn’t remove emotion.

Clarifying your intention at the outset of a reconciliation conversation invalidates their emotional experience, piling an insult on top of a wound. It won’t get you anywhere. Don’t lead with this.

2) Think contribution, not blame.

Own the ways you’ve contributed to the conflict and offer to behave differently as you’re able. Don’t try to absolve yourself of blame OR take all the blame onto yourself. You’re looking to restore a relationship, not render a verdict.

3) Look to de-escalate rather than provoke.

Genuinely listen to their emotions and perspective. Ask open-ended instead of leading questions. Give them space to share without interruption or correction. This allows you to reconnect spiritually and emotionally.

4) Establish a mutual purpose.

You may disagree on a lot, but what can you agree on? Find common ground. Talk about what you both want: peace, restoration, friendship, healing, respect. Prioritize your mutual purpose and use it to deflect distractions and barbs.

5) Share stories tentatively and be open to alternative interpretations.

The other person’s side of the story may be radically different from your own. Phrases like “When you said that, I heard _____” and “Did you mean ______?” can give people space to clarify their intentions. And, stunningly, when we invite people to clarify their intentions, they’ll often invite us to do likewise. Then, and only then, does clarifying intentions lead to reconciliation.

Which of these tips is most helpful for you to hear? Do you have any of your own to share?